[This will probably only mean anything to Brits of a certain age, but you might get a laugh running it through a spell-checker.
In humble homage to Geoffrey Willans, an unrecognised genius if ever there was one. HE]
The following manuskript was dicsovered in a tuck box in the cupboard of headmasters study of st conans skool where it hav apparently lain since confiscated in 1863 along with swetes boys own paper ga henty books pshooter bungy and other things to unsavoury to mention.
NOW REDE ON....
There hav bene much spekulation (as headmaster sa when BOYS hav got wind of some sordid truth and he is about to FIB) about the skooldays of my grate frend and fellow sufferer holmes minor who hav a visage like a baboon and is a clot faced wet. Some hav implied (more posh prose) that he is a dashing chap fencing leping about being generally brav fereless ect and that he kno everything. He certainly kno some things o other boy kno.
For example. Imagine the scene: 3B are recreating between periods in the normal way viz tuoughing each other up swopping betting tickets musgrave have put bungy in the inkwell and pinched trevors compass to hoick it out it is really most indelikat. holmes is reading a book about poisons, apparently above the fray (what priceless prose my dere can he kepe it up?).
MORIARTY the mad maths master enter.
"Good morning boys," he sa but noone hear there is to much racket.
"GOOD MORNING BOYS" he sa more loudly but the din continue it is now like the battle of Maiwand misiles rain down jezail bullets fly (actually it is blotch soaked in ink).
I watson minor the terror of 3B also ignore MORIARTYS entrance, I am immersed in a game of dab criket (wg grace 995 n.o. chiz) with Green he is a gurly he sa "hello clouds hello sky". Suddenly my sporting concentration is broken. MORIARTY hav aimed the chalk acurately into my wide open mouth. Other boys stop ragging and LARFF uproariously. Holmes conceal book about poisons under desk and continue reading.
Now he hav our atention MORIARTY begin the leson. "Four partners agreed to divide a treasure," he begin. He try to make problems XCITING by putting them in stories but we kno it is just the old arith algy geom ect. Sometimes a boy try to avoid the moment of truth by asking more about the story ie "Where did they get the treasure sir? Did they steal it?" But MORIARTY is not to be deflected. "They allocated each item by weight. Any item that weighed more than 10oz went to A, any item more then 2oz that weighed an even number of oz went to B, any item that was spherical went to C unless it was early closing, the rest went to D. They chose their items in order and stopt choosing when no suitable item was left. There were 23 items in the hord. It wa 49 1/2 oz. One item remained. Whose was it?" I would rather make do on an offisers pension than do sums like that but holmes take notes kenely.
At this point holmes and musgrave both raise there hands. Musgrave jump up and down. MORIARTY look surprised musgrave is not the britest of boys he wear a blu rozet on election da and talk a lot about the obligations of privilige that go with being born a landowner unlike the PORE boys who hav to go up chimneys. Personally I would rather be up a chimney than in MORIARTYS leson at least you get dirty. But I digress hem hem.
"Yes, musgrave" sa MORIARTY.
"His who is gone, sir."
"Come again?"
"His who is gone, sir. It is an old musgrave family ritual a quaint survival of lost lore that make england what it is toda the gratest nation in the world sir."
"That is v interesting musgrave but what do it hav to do with the PROBLEM?" MORIARTY hurl compass in a neat loop and graze musgraves nose. Holmes answer q simple pappy I knew it of corse but I was to modest to sho how esy I find these thing ahem.
MORIARTY next set a weedy trig problem about a tree and its shadow at different times of day saing "Musgrave if I here another word from you you are in deten. OR ANY OF YOU." The beak then take out of the desk a bottle of BEER confiscated from watson major my apalling bro, put his feet with cloven hooves clearly visible on the mantelpiece, sup a draft and recline in swete repose (peotry).
BOYS are cowed noone want deten toda there is a foopball match. They occupy themselvs with the trig or other noisless pursuits until MORIARTY is sound asleep. Tiptoing quietly holmes sneke up to desk and add something to BEER bottle. MORIARTY open his eyes for a moment, drink BEER, ascertain that nobode is doing anything that he could blackmail them for later, and go back to slepe.
He awak when bell sound for end of leson. "Well done, boys," he say. "You are all brilliant geniuses in geom arith binomial theorem algy dynamics of an asteroid ect etc. There is no more I can teach you farewell." He leve beaming broadly.
Holmes explain that he hav made a powerful BREW from things in chemy lab and skool kitchen such as coper sulphate flowers of sulfer PRUNES poo gosh skool sossage and it hav permanently altered MORIARTYS character without harming him in any wa. "In fact," he sa, "he will be much better for it. He hav lost all desire to inflict pain on inocent boys with weedy geom constructions and equations. That was his FINAL PROBLEM."
Cheers cheers cheers enterprise of BOYS triumph again BEAKS are defeated now we will try to make lat master forget first declen the peots love Cotta. But that ahem is a story for which the world in space is not yet redy.
COMING SOON: the fakts about holmes minor and GURLS (if watson major hav not drunk all the ink).